Quitting Time

Jesse Kavadlo

Professor of English

Never give up. With Hang in there (kitten hanging from tree branch optional), If at first you don’t succeed…, Don’t be a quitter, and more, it’s the message many teachers and parents push most. And why shouldn’t we? Winners never quit, and quitters never win! Unfortunately, it’s wrong. We give up all the time. And we’re right to. It’s time to give up never giving up.

It won’t be easy to stop not stopping. Singer Sia had a hit song called “Never Give Up.” Heartthrob Justin Beiber’s documentary was titled “Never Say Never,” contradicting both itself and his earlier hit, “Never Let You Go.” And, back from the dead, or at least the 1980s, Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” is practically the theme song of the Internet, with over half a billion YouTube views. In Disney movies, from Mulan to Marlin, Simba to Stitch, the wording varies, but the message doesn’t.

Like many parents, I started my kids on music lessons and sports. After seeing parents respond to their tykes’ budding passing skills by hollering “DE-FENSE!”—and worse—at escalating volumes, my older son wanted to quit basketball, and that was fine with me. He didn’t infer any cosmic symbolism about giving up in life, and I don’t care whether he can dribble a ball or not. But he stuck with piano and plays so soulfully that when I hear him, I believe I must have something right. My younger son never took to catching or throwing but blasts a mean trombone, dices onions like a pro, and can improvise intricate wordplay. My daughter can’t cartwheel but sings and trained our dog.

Together, my kids have given up on honors math, Boy Scouts, dance, soccer, magic tricks, woodwork, collecting Pokemon cards, and putting their clothes in drawers. My wife and I both switched majors in college, and most of my friends have quit jobs and switched careers. Although I dreamed of being a rock guitarist, I put it aside for years when I needed to focus on school and, later, family. Then, one day, I started again, and I now I gig almost every Saturday. So give up—sometimes. And, sometimes, start again.

Friendships finish. Jobs end. People move on. On the one hand, yes, of course, never give up, in, like, the existential sense. On the other hand, as adults we know better and can give our kids enough credit to understand the difference between perseverance and pointlessness. How many of us grow up to be astronauts, paleontologists, or fire fighters? Baseball players, ballet dancers, candy store owners? Dreams change. So do we. So will our children. So I never say never give up. I say, humbly, find what you like. And try.

The Ancient Greeks didn’t say Never Give Up, either. They said, Know Thyself. That can mean starting many things, and quitting many of them as well. It will mean figuring out what to try and what to skip, and when to stop and when to endure. Just a few years after “Never Gonna Give You Up” became a huge hit, Rick Astley quit music at the age of 27. It turned out that he didn’t like touring, was afraid to fly, and missed his family. He gave you up, let you down, ran around, and deserted you. He said goodbye. And it was OK. Then, decades later, he came back.

Now that I think about it, though, “Never give up” may really be parents’ second-most repeated slogan. There is another, even more powerful, repeated even more often.

That message is, of course, “Stop that.”