Tenacity

Juliet Burlew

Biology—2nd Year

Geniveve Noel was born on the morning of April 25, 2019 and my very first semester of college started just four months and one day after. “What are you going to do?” “How are you going to do it?” “I wish you didn’t have to miss out on anything.” The people who loved me the most and would come to love my daughter the most filled my ears with their own worries and doubts disguised as support. Maybe I would have succumbed to their feelings of disorientation, except I had something that they didn’t: something that gave me all of the answers, clarity and passion I would ever need to fulfill my dream of becoming a doctor.

My first semester of college was extremely tiring. Obviously I was taking the usual eighteen credit hour course load which is accomplished by at least forty hours of studying to do well in said classes. I would start my day with Geniveve at about six in the morning with our daily ritual of a picture together, and then we would eat breakfast, piddle around with toys, pick out a nine to twelve month sized outfit because well, my newly four month old baby had rolls to die for. Then I would get ready, doing everything one handed with Geniveve stationed on my hip (who knew I could get dressed with one hand?!) or she would do tummy time while I took a record breaking shower for the fastest time. Soon enough it was time for her first nap of the day and I would slip her in the crib and sneak away to head out to school while my mom watched over her. My schedule called for me to be away from Geniveve every weekday afternoon, but I got hourly updates in the form of pictures from my mom who was just as in awe of her as I was. Seriously, if our phones ran out of storage, we rather delete an email app than delete a repeat picture of Geniveve sleeping. I would go through my day and race to my car at the end of it to make it home to see my daughters beautiful smile upon entering the front door. We would play games and read books, do our nightly routine of a bath and snuggles and then she would go to sleep in my arms. Again, I would sneak away to do my homework, and she would wake up about every two hours after that—these were my study breaks, as I called them. So, between Geniveve waking and me only being able to commit to homework after she was asleep, I was staying up until the wee hours, about three in the morning, just to make sure I had all of my assignments done and I was adequately prepared for the class. For that first semester I averaged about two hours of sleep a night, but my baby was happy, my homework was done, my grades were up, and I was left feeling fulfilled.

While I was in class, I had to put my phone in my backpack in order to keep myself from sending a text asking about Geniveve every ten minutes, and keep my mind entirely focused on the material being taught, in attempts to not let thoughts of Geniveve overtake my mind. I know it sounds cruel, but it was vital to my success that I separate my time in class away from Geniveve. If I was continuously on the phone asking about her, or put my pencil down long enough for thoughts about her to flood in, it would be game over, I wouldn’t be able to focus on my work. Of course in between classes I would gush over her pictures in the halls, but inside the classroom I was just another tired student with a backpack that’s far too heavy, sporting sweatpants, anxious over the test I was sitting down for. Geniveve was also a breastfed baby so on the lunch break I had between two classes, I spent time expressing milk for the next day that she would drink while I was at school rather than actually sitting down and eating. It was kind of funny actually, sometimes I would be walking around campus and laugh to myself because I was carrying my insulated lunchbox full of an infant's milk while everyone else just assumed there was a sandwich in there; there was certainly somebody’s lunch in there, but it wasn’t mine!

I know I said I made myself into just another college student, but the truth is, no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn’t. The fact is that I was a newly postpartum mother who had the normal sleep deprivation that comes along with such a role as well as the sleep deprivation from being a college student who felt the pressure to succeed more than ever, if not for me, then for my daughters future. I wouldn’t let myself be a teenage mother who had to put her life on hold for her baby. I had all of these people in my life telling me that they felt sad I had to miss out on the experiences college had to offer, but when I took Geniveve to the park and watched her smile in the swing or walked around with her tightly gripping my body like a baby koala, I truly felt like I was experiencing all that I needed to, as if I was exactly where I needed and wanted to be in the world. I didn’t need late night parties, I needed late night snuggles with a sleepy baby on one side of me and my notes on the other.

That first semester as I adjusted to the new world of being a college student and a new mother was extremely difficult, but I am also very grateful for even having the opportunity to be both things at once. Putting college off would have been understood, but it just didn’t make sense to me—Geniveve didn’t make me want to pause, she made me want to go one hundred times harder. So, even now that I am more comfortable in my role of being two really important things at once, I won't ever let up, not even in trying times (flashback to the night Geniveve stayed up all night while the test I had the following morning hung over me like a dark cloud). Like I said, I have something, or rather, someone that gives me clarity and passion and she says “Hi mommy” after prying my eyes open in the mornings.