The Mask Comes Off

Ellie Schmidt

Communication Major—2nd Year

Escitalopram. Lexapro. A type of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor that aims to treat anxiety

and depression.

Common side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, headache, diarrhea, constipation, insomnia, etc etc etc.

I take Lexapro.

20 milligrams, once a day, bright and early first thing in the morning when I brush my teeth.

I squeeze a little white dot of toothpaste onto my toothbrush, and then I swallow a little white dot

to function day-to-day.

Because I have Anxiety.

Common side effects include persistent, intense, and excessive worry, irrationality, loss of touch

with reality, irritable bowel syndrome, perpetually sweaty palms, loss of friendships, ruined

relationships, familial misunderstanding, shame, self loathing, sleepless nights, and intrusive

thoughts.

Except for me, they’re not so much intrusive thoughts as much as intrusive inaccurate beliefs.

Rationally, I can see that this thought is untrue, I can understand that it’s false, I can recognize

that it isn’t something based in reality

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still feel just as real as the clothes on my body or this keyboard

on my hands

That doesn’t mean it still won’t make my stomach sink and my forehead damp and my knees

bob and my teeth click click click

Click

Click

CLICK

That doesn’t mean I won’t search for reassurance at any possible avenue that no, really Ellie,

that thought ISN’T true, your brain is just an asshole that wants you to be miserable

Because I have Anxiety

And that means I still worry about which is the mask that covers my true self

The Anxiety

Or the Lexapro?

I see a therapist. A doctor. $25 copay, twice a month

Cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT. Rewiring the neural pathways that are hellbent on

destroying you from the inside out. Rewiring them so that your autopilot isn’t self destructive

I learn that I don’t have to believe every thought I have

I learn that I need to be nicer to myself

I learn that for a relationship to work, you have to decide every single day that your life is better

with that person than without them

I learn about thought stopping

I learn about the importance of diet and exercise

I learn that I was just a kiddo, and that what I went through sucked, and that it wasn’t my fault

nor my responsibility

I learn

I learn

I learn

But

I still have an Anxiety

And you know what?

Okay.

Because I have Anxiety. But Anxiety does not have me

I get to define who I am

My thoughts do not

My worries do not

The unnecessary and excessive dumps of cortisol at the slightest hairpin triggers do NOT

I get to drive the car

And Anxiety gets to sit in the backseat

I get to decide where to turn and where to stop

And Anxiety gets to shut its goddamn mouth

Because I have Anxiety

But I also have determination and grit

I have kindness and bravery and selflessness

I have a smile that is so wide you can see my molars

And I have a laugh that’s giggly and bubbly

And I have a voice that commands a room

I hold doors open for strangers and I have Anxiety

I smile at people because a smile costs me nothing and I have Anxiety

I give compliments to people I don’t know and I have Anxiety

I am a three time state finalist and a two time all state choir member and I have Anxiety

I am a communications major and a communications specialist and I have Anxiety

I have a wonderful partner and a supportive family and the best goddamn dog known to man

and I have Anxiety

And all those things can coexist in the vast confusing crevice that is my subconscious, without a

shred of counterintuitivity or mutual exclusivity

Because I have anxiety. But I have me

One folds into the other, but does not define it

I have Anxiety

And I also have hope

I take a deep breath

The Mask comes off

And I am okay.

I’m okay.