Waves of Grief

Amy Roewe

English Major—2nd Year

I have always had a fear of drowning. Even when I was younger, I always protested

going to my swimming lessons. I have never had a bad experience with swimming; I just have a

fear towards it. Of course, my parents forced me to learn, but swimming still isn’t one of my

talents. Which is why I am not that enthusiastic when my best friend suggests going down to the

lake. I take a sip of my Pepsi before adding more vodka to it. “Tessa, you know I don’t like

swimming.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to actually swim. I’m going to, but you can just watch.” She

shrugs, filling her cup with UV blue vodka and typing on her phone with her chipped, navy blue

nails.

It is the end of summer. Tessa and I spent most of it watching horror movies, going to

parties, drinking, and mostly trying to forget the upcoming stress of yet another year within the

prison that is called high school. The anxiety and stress were endless, and going to the lake would

just increase that.

I groan, “I don’t know Tess, I don’t really want to go.” I plop down on her lumpy bed,

hanging my head off of the edge. Tessa has always been the adventurous one, and for the most

part, I enjoy having her influence in my life. I’m a heavy introvert, so most of the adventures in

my life come from being around her. I have tried to push myself outside of my comfort zone on

my own, but I never seem to have enough courage to try new things without her. Once, when we

were younger, I was too scared to stand up to Maggie, who would keep stealing my strawberry-banana yogurt. Tessa gave me the most inspiring pep talk that anyone in middle school could

give, and she held my hand the whole time I confronted Maggie. I wouldn’t be the person that I

am today without our friendship.

She spins around in her desk chair, “Please Ava, come on. I need to get out of the house,

and it’s really hot outside.”

I let this sink in. It is hot outside, and she did say I didn’t have to swim. I could just put

my feet in the water and watch Tessa have fun. That wouldn’t be so bad, would it? I stay silent,

but I give her a small smile so that she knows she’s won.

She claps, grabbing the bottle of UV blue and a blanket. “Let’s go,” she says. “Grab the

soda.” I do as she tells me, and we slip out of her house. The lake is about a mile away, and we

decide to walk since the gravel trail outside of Tessa’s house leads right to it.

About halfway there, my drinks start to hit me, and my body becomes heavy. I focus on

the sound of my neon green flip flops as I walk on. I can tell Tessa is starting to feel the same

way because her walking becomes unsteady. She stops by a tree to take a break. We stand

underneath a big dogwood tree, soaking in the shade. Tessa looks up at the tree and then back at

me, “Do you remember that one summer when we were in middle school? We were walking this

trail, and I decided I wanted to climb a tree.” She smiles, recounting the memory. “You didn’t

want to, but I convinced you that we could climb up and see Matthew’s house from the top. You had a crush on him then, so of course, you did it.” I giggle as she continues, “You got halfway up,

and then you fell and broke your arm. I felt so bad, but you just smiled and said that it was worth

it.”

I smile softly to myself, remembering the feeling of being up in the tree. I felt so free and

excited as I climbed it. Not even a broken arm could take that away. It was the same feeling I get

pretty much anytime Tessa forces me onto an adventure. “I remember,” I say.

“I knew that you were going to be my best friend from that moment on.” She laughs. “I

wish you didn’t turn into such a wimp, though.” I hit her lightly on the arm as my laughter mixes

with hers. We rest there for a while longer, letting the exhaustion and the alcohol sink in. She

takes another drink, and slowly says, “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” She slurs, laughing

quietly to herself. “I am so wasted.” She flings the blanket over her shoulder and continues

towards the lake anyway. I follow her.

The rest of the walk includes us laughing at pretty much everything as we both silently

regret embarking on this adventure. I would much rather be watching Star Wars: Revenge of the

Sith while curled up in her basement right now, although I wasn’t going to admit that to Tessa.

She would just say I was lame.

We finally make it to the lake, and the mosquitoes immediately swarm around my legs. I

swat at them and sit on the blanket once Tessa finishes laying it on the grass. I grab a can of

Cherry Pepsi from the pack that I brought and crack it open. “Have fun.” Tessa tosses me her

tank top and shorts before wiggling her eyebrows at me. She backs up to get a running start, then

cannonballs into the water. I feel the cool water splash my arms as she makes contact. It really

does feel refreshing.

I watch her for a long time. The blazing sun continues to beat down on me, and I can feel

the sweat rolling off of my skin. Even though she’s swimming alone, Tessa looks like she’s

having the time of her life. I feel as if we’ve been here for hours, but somehow, she still isn’t

tired.

“It feels amazing!” She says in delight, trying to coax me into the water. I laugh at her,

but stay where I am.

I start to grow restless as I watch Tessa. The mosquitoes and the heat are making it hard

for me to remember why I am so scared to just get in. If anything were to happen to me, Tessa

would be right there anyways. Maybe it’s the heat talking, or maybe it’s the alcohol, but I stand

up and slip my sweaty clothes off. When I’m down to my swimsuit, I walk towards the edge of

the lake.

Tessa eyes my movements, “You coming in?” she calls, excitedly. She’s breathing

heavily, but she still energetically bounces up and down in the water. I nod nervously, slowly

slipping into the water. The coolness hits my skin and immediately washes away all my fears.

Nothing could ever feel as good as this. She slowly swims towards me, and we splash each other.

The minutes fly by as we laugh, and I let the water trap all of my stress under the surface.

Tessa smiles, “See, it’s not that bad, right?” I nod, and we go back to splashing each

other. We swim around each other and talk for a while before we both separate, wanting to catch

our breath.

I’m floating on my back, enjoying the relaxation that has fallen over me, when the silence

starts to set in. No heavy breathing. No water movement. No Tessa. I look around frantically,

wondering if she had somehow slipped out of the water without me noticing. Did she go into the

woods? Did she tell me she was going back home, and I just didn’t hear her?

I panic. “Tessa!” There’s no answer. She wasn’t here. I let the fear take over. “Help!” I

yell, grabbing at the emptiness under the surface, trying to make contact with anything. I yell

again, “Someone, please help!” I’m crying too hard to focus; my mind is spinning out of control.

I try to think of all the places she could be, but deep down, I know. She’s here. Somewhere under

me.

I am getting tired, but my adrenaline keeps pushing me forward. I swim around, kicking

my legs and arms. They’re only met with water.

I keep going for as long as I could, reaching for anything and calling out to anyone that

could hear me, but no one was there. I needed to keep going, but my energy was gone. I needed

to get out.

I manage to pull myself out of the water so that my torso is lying on the cold, wet mud. I

try to catch my breath, suddenly hearing someone run out of the woods. “Are you okay?” The

guy yells, his black hair flopping all over the place as he makes his way over to me. I hear

another pair of footsteps behind him.

“My friend,” I whisper. I point towards the water, and he understands. He tells his friend

to call 911 as he jumps into the water, recreating everything I was doing just a second ago. I

watch, hopefully, but his outcome is no different from my own.

The police arrive somehow, and I’m still laying on the ground. I stare up into the blue

sky, focusing on the birds dancing above me as tears stream down my face. I wonder what they

feel when they lose someone they love.

No. Tessa went home without me noticing. She was tired, too tired to even grab her

clothes, but she went home anyway. She wasn't here. She was safe at home, probably already

asleep on the couch while The Office plays in the background. They won’t find her, because

she’s not here. My mind loops through all the different possibilities, trying so hard to skip over

the only one that truly makes sense.

I put all of my hope into every possible explanation. Any explanation that would end with my friend being okay. My whole mind latches onto this belief until I see her blonde hair break

the surface as they pull her body out. My whole body shuts down. I feel frozen in time.

Everything is happening in slow motion around me, but I don’t notice anything else. I stop

shivering, I stop crying, I stop feeling.

People are running over to me. Her parents, my parents, the police. I don’t hear any of

them. I can’t. My eyes are locked on her body, and I am entirely consumed by the paleness of her

skin. Consumed by the body bag that they trap her in. Consumed by the realization of what is

happening in front of me. I keep waiting for the feeling of warm, wet tears, but nothing happens. I

don’t feel anything.

Numbness follows. I go to her funeral and watch with dry eyes as everyone around me

sobs. They dressed her in a pale blue dress, but I know she would have chosen purple. No one

asks me to speak; they knew I wouldn’t be able to. I go home, and the days tick by. People fade

in and out, trying to make me eat, or talk, or live. Everyone asks if I’m okay, but we all know

I’m not.

I want it all to stop, but my life continues on anyway.

The grief is too much. It is bottled up inside of me, but I can’t feel it. Something is

stopping me. Darkness streams through my window, and I know it is nighttime. I slept the whole

day away, so I slip on my hoodie, and I make my way to the only place that I want to be.

The lake. It looks different at night. The water is completely still, and it looks beautiful. I

sit down in the grass, fixating on the moon's reflection on the glassy surface. This place has been

drawing me here, and tonight I finally give it what it wants. The place where it all happened. The

place where Tessa died. Where a part of me died too. The guilt makes me want to be here. It

makes me want to relive it over and over.

I start to replay that day again in my head, thinking of all the different ways that I let her

down. The way she was tripping on the walk up there, and how I just put my arm around her

shoulder to steady her, not even considering turning her around and walking back home. Or how

I welcomed the silence into my relaxed state while swimming, not even thinking of the

possibility that the silence was due to her absence. She was drunk and so tired, why didn’t I

make her stop swimming? If I hadn’t decided to drink with her, maybe I would have noticed her

slipping under the surface. Maybe I could have saved her if I had just stayed out of the water.

Maybe it was all my fault.

I feel water on my face; all of my emotions suddenly flowing back all at once. Tears

flood my eyes, my grief finally breaking the surface. I am breaking, pounding at the mud around

me in anger. Anger at myself. Anger at Tessa. Anger at this lake.

This lake that took my best friend from me.

I hate this place so much. This lake has a hold on all of me. I fear it. More than ever, and

it silently sits there, mocking me. The calm surface laughs at my distraught appearance.

I am entrapped within my fear. I need to be free from it so that I can feel. I need to let go

of the fear so that I can truly grieve.

I know what I need to do. I slowly stand up, sinking into the mud as I walk towards the

surface. I pause, breathing in everything that happened here. My heart breaks, and I hold onto all

of the feelings that surround her. I swallow my fear and jump in, sinking into the damp darkness.

Disappearing into the memory of Tessa.